


it's not enough to feel the lack

by imustbeloyletomycapo



Category: Succession (TV 2018)
Genre: M/M, Pre-Canon, Sad Boys™, im really bad at tagging sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-10
Updated: 2020-12-10
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:23:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27999696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imustbeloyletomycapo/pseuds/imustbeloyletomycapo
Summary: finally! the depressing kenstew christmas themed fic that nobody asked for"It was December 25th, and they were walking through Central Park. Kendall's twentieth birthday, and another day too, but that wasn't important. It was cold, the sort of cold that makes your nose run and your cheeks red and your toes turn to ice. But it was beautiful. The lights twinkling, the sun after setting"
Relationships: Stewy Hosseini/Kendall Roy
Kudos: 18





	it's not enough to feel the lack

**Author's Note:**

> Jeremy Strong's birthday is December 25th, and Kendall has big sad Christmas baby who's birthday gets ignored energy so I just ran with it

It was December 25th, and they were walking through Central Park. Kendall's twentieth birthday, and another day too, but that wasn't important. It was cold, the sort of cold that makes your nose run and your cheeks red and your toes turn to ice. But it was beautiful. The lights twinkling, the sun after setting. 

Things had been… weird between him and Stewy these past few months. Kendall didn't want to think about it too much, because thinking about it meant acknowledging it and acknowledging it meant feelings and those feelings made him want to throw himself off the nearest roof. A silly teenage crush was one thing, but now he was officially in his twenties? Fuck that. 

(It was easier to call it a crush than what it really was. And it was easier to compartmentalise the things that happened between them as drunken, high fooling around, as opposed to y'know, something more. Which it wasn't. It definitely wasn't)

The park was quiet; the part they were in anyways, near the lake. Kendall loved water, always had. Each morning his shower felt like a rebirth, each summer spent by the ocean a cleansing ritual for his fucked up little soul. He imagined what it would be like to swim to the bottom, deeper and deeper and darker, inky black where had once been azure. Some time to think. But not about Stewy, or the company, or the future or disappointing his dad or or or 

Nothing. He wanted to think about nothing. Even for a minute. 

Stewy was looking at him. He was always looking at him. Smirking, or nodding or rolling his eyes. Trying to catch his gaze. Kendall didn't like to look at him for too long, in case Stewy was able to see inside his skull and read the thoughts jumbling around in his brain. 

I love you I love you I love you I love you I hate this 

He was twenty. A baby. He didn't know what love was. 

"Hey, what the fuck is wrong with you dude? Say something. Say fucking happy Christmas even though I don't do that shit, or that you've finally worked out the perfect way to kill your dad. Open your mouth, bró" 

Stewy said open your mouth the last time they were together too, but that was about something different. 

"Can't we just, like, uh, not talk for five minutes?" 

"You're boring as fuck when you're sober, you know that?" 

That bit stung. Kendall already worried about that without Stewy saying it out loud. Something new to ruminate on when he can't sleep. 

He swallowed. He did that the last time they were together too. Why can't he get that out of his head. Slut. 

"Uh thanks, appreciate that man, yeah" 

"You're always very appreciative" 

Was he flirting? He was flirting. Was he? 

"Come on, let's pick up the pace. I don't want to freeze to death next to you, like some little icemen holding hands and huddled together"

Holding hands. like they used to when they went on this walk twelve and thirteen years ago and a nameless nanny walked behind them. It was easier then to reach out

Stewy's legs were longer now, and his voice harder, but still not so hard. 

He grabbed hold of Kendall's arm and shook it. 

"Is that fucking mistletoe?" 

Oh shit oh shit

"It is!" 

Stewy turned to face him, the grip on his arm getting stronger. 

"Happy birthday, asshole" 

He kissed him. Soft lips on chapped lips. It was the first time they'd done this without various substances coursing through their bloodstreams. 

Kendall pulled away

"Uh, Jesus, Stew, what the fuck are you doing?" 

"Exactly what you want me to do" 

The hand on his arm moved to his cheek and brushed it ever so slightly, light from the streetlamps reflecting in Stewy's eyes. 

"Or am I wrong?" 

Kendall wanted to say no. No you're one hundred per cent not wrong and you know that, you fucking know this is what I want, that I want you, and only you, and fuck my dad and fuck the company and fuck anyone who would shout slurs at us on the street or would stop us being together forever 

The words didn't come out like that. 

"I think, it's just, uh, just better if we're, uh, friends" . 

He thought he saw a flicker of hurt or sadness in Stewy's face but it was there and then it wasn't. He must have imagined it. 

"Okay. Whatever you want, man"

They walked back towards the street in uncomfortable silence. No thinking, for a moment at least. Their breath escaping like smoke from their mouths. 

Eventually, they went their separate ways. A wave goodbye, a pat on the shoulder that felt like something meaningful was gone and not coming back. Kendall went home to Christmas dinner, back to his father, back to the Roys, back to where he didn't want to be, but he knew he had to be. Sometimes the things you want are wrong, and the things you don't want are right. That's what he tried to remind himself every day afterwards. The choices we make to keep our worlds safe.

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to write a happy fic for these two but this is what happened instead. I haven't a lot of experience writing dialogue, let alone dialogue that could fit into a universe like this, so I hope it's okay!
> 
> title from ribs by lorde, because of course


End file.
